Is this a good start to a fantasy novel?
A few days ago, I posted this question and got some great feedback, and I was inspired to edit what I had posted. This is the result:
A bitter wind tore at Eliath’s motionless body. Freezing rain poured down on his miserable world, and a little bit of his sanity was lost with each raindrop that fell from his face.
Eliath had been locked up in the stocks for three days now. His mind was lost in a bizarre place somewhere between dreams and reality. Strange thoughts raced through his head as his sanity slipped further and further away.
Suddenly, he felt something elusive. It was more tangible than an emotion, but it was not a physical perception. Eliath was instantly intrigued by this strange feeling.
It was subtle at first, like a distant candle flame flickering in the dark. As time dragged on, the feeling became more intense. Eliath’s dreams faded away as his mind was overwhelmed by the strange feeling.
Something compelled him to open his eyes, as though he would be able to see the feeling. What he saw instead was a pair of feet sheltered in leather wrappings. Struggling to raise his head, Eliath saw that these feet belonged to an old man in a hooded black cloak.
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Does it look like this still needs editing? Do you think this has the potential to be a successful published work? Also, if anybody wants to work with me individually on this, please leave me some contact information either in your reply or at void2722@yahoo.com. I have a really interesting plot that is completely unlike anything I have ever seen before. Thanks.
I know this isn’t the answer you want, but Yahoo! Answers isn’t the best place for a review of your writing. You don’t know how valuable anybody on here’s opinion is. A better idea would be to find a friend who reads the same type of books as you and ask them what they think of it. You know you’ll be able to trust their opinion and they will also know what type of novel you plan it to be. Or you could find a writer’s workshop in your area…
If you really want an opinion however, I thinkyou are too wrapped up in the language and making it sound good to remember the story. ex "suddenly, he felt something elusive" nothing is elusive there but your writing and "Freezing rain poured down on his miserable world" is generally not good
The paragraphs are also very small, in writing you generally want varied lenghs of paragraphs. The third and fourth paragraphs would be stronger combined.
Good luck on the story 
and just so you know, I do workshops all of the time in my creative writing class, so I have experience critiquing work, not that you have to act upon my suggestions.
amazzing, i havent read your first draft but i think this one is fantastttiiiic (:
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It sounds very good….. it doesn’t sound like it still needs editing. I think it does have potentiol. I would love to read all of it some time =)
good luck and keep up the good work.
can you please please please answer mine?
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Ak3TONbCw.WMDRORpUK1fnDsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20090619111430AAZGblH
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Its very nice! The only thing I could criticize is the "It was subtle at first, like a distant candle flame flickering in the dark" metaphor. Thats a little over used. Perhaps you could think of something else? Also a "strange feeling" is a little boring, perhaps you could say a "bizarre feeling" or a "perplexing feeling"
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Just to let you know, I didn’t read the first copy but this is really good. I love it and I think it’s got potential to be a published work. However, don’t think about it being a book on shelves yet. Focus on editing it and making a rough draft as you go. When it’s good and ready, post it online and check out to see if other people like it. Then turn to publishing agencies. Great job!!!
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I really liked it. writing like this really inspires me, so thanks.
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IT’S TERRIFIC! What’s the title? I would defiantly read this if it was published!
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I think it’s very well written. I know people say this all the time in these types of questions, but I really do mean it; if I’d picked this up in a bookstore and read this sample, I’d keep reading.
The only thing I can find wrong with it -and it’s not that it’s *wrong* it’s just something to sort of think about- is that you kind of have this habit of repeating yourself. This is what I mean:
In the first paragraph, you say that his "sanity was lost with each raindrop," which is fine and dandy. But then in P2, you have, "his sanity slipped further." And you also have "this strange feeling" in P3, and again in P4, "the strange feeling." Things like that. I mean, it’s really not that big of a deal, but I feel like if there were more to this that you’ve posted, "strange" and things being "lost" or "faded" would keep happening. Basically, what I’m saying is that you should mix up the adjectives a bit. It won’t seem as repetitive that way.
But overall, I think this is great. If you’re interested in getting a Beta Reader, fictionpress.com has that. If you sign up, you can contact people who are open for business (their profile will say if they are, and there’s a tab at the top of the screen for looking for Betas) and work with them on your story. You can also see *their* work, so you know that they’re good writers and can give you good advice, instead of trusting blindly. You know? And you’ll also get feedback from visitors to the site, if you post your work. It’s a good place to grow, I think, if you’re starting out.
Good luck with this!
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It is good. But I can’t say if it is publishable work…as there are many works that are publishable that really never get to that point. On top of that, one small section that is written well does not necessarily speak for the entire piece. However, it is a good start…keep it up!
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Whoa that was really good.
I love your tone and diction. The word choice is phenominal as it really does set the mood.
KEEP WRITING! Whatever you do, it sounds really good. :]
Hope I helped :]
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I know this isn’t the answer you want, but Yahoo! Answers isn’t the best place for a review of your writing. You don’t know how valuable anybody on here’s opinion is. A better idea would be to find a friend who reads the same type of books as you and ask them what they think of it. You know you’ll be able to trust their opinion and they will also know what type of novel you plan it to be. Or you could find a writer’s workshop in your area…
If you really want an opinion however, I thinkyou are too wrapped up in the language and making it sound good to remember the story. ex "suddenly, he felt something elusive" nothing is elusive there but your writing and "Freezing rain poured down on his miserable world" is generally not good
The paragraphs are also very small, in writing you generally want varied lenghs of paragraphs. The third and fourth paragraphs would be stronger combined.
Good luck on the story
and just so you know, I do workshops all of the time in my creative writing class, so I have experience critiquing work, not that you have to act upon my suggestions.
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this is good, please finish it and get this published, I want to know what happens next
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